Ever Onwards and Upwards

Ok, so this is my third blog in as many days and I am sure before long you will be getting fed up of me :0)

Today’s blog is about thinking. As I was trying to get to sleep last night I started thinking about the whole IVA process. I had my resons for deciding that the IVA route was the best for me. However, this ended up being my ‘panic’ factor last night. So many questions running through my head. What happens if I meet a guy in the next 5 years (hoping I might if I am lucky!), I am going to be in my 30′s when this ends which scares me slightly, its going to ruin my chance of going and doing a working visa in Oz, how will I answer awkward questions from people that do not know my situation, what if I lose my job (VERY unlikely now but who knows what will happen 2,3,4,5 years from now). This is just the start of my thoughts!

As you can see I think a lot and all of my friends and ex’s have said that this is my biggest downfall. I think too much! Well I would love to be able to turn the switch off in my brain but at the end of the day this is me and who I am and it isn’t going to change any time soon.

Years ago I suffered with panic attacks. I still have them occassionally now but less frequently and I have learnt to cope with them now and so they are less severe. However, when I bottle up stress or do not give myself a chance to answer all these questions swimming though my brain, that is usually when I am hit by one.

Sooooooo in answer to my own questions: If I meet a guy and he really cares about me, it won’t matter about money and he will support me emotionally if not he is NOT worth it, It will be better to be 32 when this finishes than wait another 5 years and end up in the same place, Ok so a major dream has been dashed BUT it means I will just have to get on with writing and publishing my book and then who knows where I will end up. Awkward questions – well the people that I care about won’t ask me these and the people that do not truly care about me do not deserve to have the question answered anyway. As for my job, I will deal with that at the time, I do need to try and stop worrying about the things that haven’t happened and it will at least give me more time to worry about the things that are happening!

Ever onwards and upwards! xx

Hi,

So yesterday ended up being quite eventful and wanting to hit my head or the phone off a brick wall! Since starting my IVA application I decided that I was going to carry on and struggle to make my minimum payments each  month so that if I don’t get approved at least I won’t be in a worse position by that point!

Wish I hadn’t bothered to do the right thing now lol!! Basically I went online to pay Halifax, then found out you are no longer able to do this and I didn’t have my card with me to phone up and pay. (Turns out today I have to arrange the payment with my bank anyway). Then went on to pay Barclays and it wouldn’t let me use my barclays account to do this (don’t know why but guessing it may have been stopped). So instead used my ‘safe’ account Hsbc and it all went through. THEN I called Santander to pay that account, an hour later, I had been on hold for a total of 30 minutes, they managed to pay my credit card with my credit card (although they said it had been declined) and they also declined my HSBC 5 times!!! In the end I had to put the phone back and say I would call back later! I was so angry as I am sure you can imagine.

Anyway an hour later and lots of deep breaths I called back, got a very nice man on the phone, paid 1st time and then asked him to check that the other payment had not come off the credit card – no such luck! However he was at least helpful so thats the main thing I guess! They will be refunding and ensuring I get no charges for this. I just hope and pray the 5 times she told me my HSBC had been declined it hadn’t gone through as then I will be in major deep water!

Ever Onwards and Upwards x

Hi All,

So, I have always wanted to write a book and so far have not got around to it. I figure blogging is a step in the right direction, except this is real life (no matter how much I wish it wasn’t)!

My first post is purely going to be a rant and rave about how the hell I ended up in this mess, you see I am only 27, which to me seems way to young to have spent the amount I have. I think it all began back when I left home at 18 and went to Uni. Before this point I don’t think I had ever really had my own pot of money and the minute I did I spent it. I am not blaming anyone for this especially not my parents but I do wonder that if maybe I had had an allowance (which my parents would have struggled to give) I would have been so much better at budgeting. However, I started Uni and was thrown into a flat of 6 girls. Having been to an all girls school I thought I had an idea of what this would be like – Oh how wrong I was. The competition was high and for a person who had never really been into fashion etc this was hard. Off I went armed with my student loan and thats where it all started.

I only stayed at uni for one year as I decided the course really wasn’t for me. However, I still remember my parents questioning where all my money had gone and wondered how I had spent so much in a year. By this point I wasn’t even in what I would call ‘debt’ more like a little overdrawn! From Uni I decided to move to London and be a nanny. It was the first time I had had a job and the money was all mine (I was live in so had no charges etc). So off I went to Oxford Street and bam the whole lot was spent! This is how I carried on and considering I had no expenses, I did not manage to save the money. Anyway the family I was with had a nightmare mother and I ended up moving out and going to live on a friends floor, got a job at safeway and found somewhere to live. But me being me always managed to spend more than I had.

I then got a job with a great company and still managed to carry on spending, if only I knew now what I did then things would have been very different. I met a guy and very quickly we bought a house together (still only 21 at this point). Within just over a year we were engaged and moving to a bigger house. He persuaded me to buy a new car and I was still overspending. Six months before the wedding he changed into someone that I didn’t recognise. We had been together 3 years at this point and my confidence was rock bottom. I did what I would say was the bravest thing I had ever done and I left a very mentally destructive relationship. It was a very bad break up, he hated me for leaving him and he insisted I moved out and carried on paying the mortgage. It took 6 months to sort the house out in which time I was paying the mortgage and also paying my friend rent and living on an air bed! In this time a guy from work who was a great friend and my shoulder to cry on became my partner. On reflection it was way too quick but at the time he was my rock and I needed it.

My ex fiance wanted to stay in the house and so he gave me a sum of money that he thought was ‘fair’. I was also tricked into not having my own solicitor but at the time when I was so stressed it was an easy route out. This money barely covered the money I owed and I vowed to save enough to buy myself a ticket to Australia. I moved in with my new boyfriend, again very quickly but I was besotted and again the money situation went downhill. I was giving him money towards rent (he owned his property) and have since found out I was actually paying the whole of his mortgage and usually paid for a lot else as he also struggled with money. Looking back he really didn’t do badly out of me.

Within a year, off I flew alone to Australia for 3 months. By this point I needed this time out by myself! I had the time of my life. ‘Found’ myself again and became the confident happy person everyone remembered me as. Since returning I have lived with a friend (2 years this month!!), and without her I don’t know what I would have done. Debt spiralled and she helped me to try and sort it out. I had a job within a week of returning from OZ and lucky for me have had one since. However, I work just off Oxford Street in London and temptation was again massive.

So that brings me to now, I love my job and thankfully I am pretty sure it is stable so that is a bonus. Back in November I realised that I had no ‘credit’ left on any cards etc and I was really struggling to make payments. I havent used a credit card since then which I am quite proud of myself for, however I have become a hermit so I can make minimum payments every month.

I first rang Payplan on the 12th of Feb and am in the middle of sorting out my proposal for an IVA. I want to pay back as much as I can of what I have spent as I think that is only fair to the companies that I owe. I am praying that it will get accepted as if not I don’t know what I am going to do but I will face up to that when it comes to it.

Over the last year I have been evaluating the past few years and realised that I have made some huge mistakes, however I have learnt from them and I am hoping this is what counts?!

If you have made it to the end of this without being bored out of your brain then well done as I have read blogs and they have been so interesting. I have found getting this all off my chest in one swoop has helped me though so again I guess that is the main thing.

I already know what my next blog is going to be and so watch this space ( and I promise it won’t be as long lol).

Ever onwards and upwards

Sx